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| March 17, 2004
, 1:07 PM |
Those pants….are they going to fall off or what!
can also be titled "Big Fish...small fry"
I sit here all of 167 pounds, paunch and big butt, I dream of the day my 32 inch waist pants will fall off as soon as I put them on. It is not like a great body is all I aspire for. What I seek is the "this must be the love of my life" feeling most women reserve for hunks of meat and chocolate ice-cream. I do my fair share I think. I go to the gym 6 days a week, put in an hour on the treadmill, half hour on the cross-trainer every day. I exercise the brain too by staring at all the perfect bodies that show up at the gym. Sometimes imagining how they must be laughing when they look at a fat chap laboring on the treadmill.
Sometimes when I am playing my part of the lab rat for the day I also dream like one, of things that might never be. It usually runs like this.
An acquaintance is getting married…I walk in with my Armani suit and the most perfect body anyone can dream of. Suddenly there is a hush….attractive women who are sipping their diet cokes in dainty candor suddenly spill their drinks, men are gorging food suddenly go red in the face, many beautiful women stop in mid-sentence. Everyone stares as I walk down to the bride and groom and wish them good luck. The bride is staring at me with unabashed lust while the groom suddenly wishes someone came and told him there was an emergency he has to attend to immediately. Some women are wondering if seeing me is a spiritual experience.
Then for the second time there is a hush as Aishwarya Rai walks in. She happens to be a friend of the bride. Suddenly everyone is clamoring as good looking men and nubile young women run to her for her autograph. I see her and smile at her. She tries hard not to look at me. Then she gives up and stares at me. She has eyes only for me. Being the Ramanand Sagar’s James Bond that I am I walk down to her with a swagger and say “Kya bolti rey” and that is it. It is love at first sight.
What happens afterwards is the best kept secret in Bollywood. Our love is wild tumultuous, passionate, steamy and with all abandon. Almost from the first moment we reach a complete understanding of each other at all levels making this once in a lifetime love for us almost a spiritual experience.…the sex is spiritual too….we make love like there is no tomorrow in exotic places like Hawaii, Maldives, Mount Everest, My car and the changing stalls of Shopper’s Stop.
She says things like “Janam where were you all my life?” with a amply provided heaving bosom. I say things like “I was there honey…all the time for you. You just didn’t know” as I watch the sunset with quiet contentment.
YET nobody knows of this. The media and the paparazzi knows there is something going on and they do everything they can to find out. They spy on us, they follow her, they make Spies with Shah Rukh Khan’s voice call her to find out surreptitiously if she is having an affair. The love of my life that she is she does not reveal my identity….you see my getting media attention is not good for me as I am one of the best secret agents in the history of the world and routinely undertake secret national missions of great international importance between our lovemaking sessions and expeditions to Mount Everest. Then one day it comes out. How it happens is dramatic……an unrequited lover of hers starts sending her letters that threaten to kill her if she doesn’t come clean and give up whatever she is involved in. I get angry..I put my minion agents to work and find out that this is actually Dawood Ibrahim doing this. Then I swiftly go and execute him. What follows is a war of massive proportions as a war between me and Ibrahim’s third cousin who happens to be his uncle’s fourth wife’s second sister’s son takes over his empire. There are several scenes where Aish comes to meet me at my headquarters with considerable risk of being killed…goons kidnap her and I rescue her with fire and fight sequences which are lift offs from Amitabh's Agneepath.......I beat them all singlehandedly using a tomato alone and I flex my muscles before every single punch and Matrix style kick I deliver......I save her and now that everyone knows we live together........and then the fateful day arrives.
I find her waiting in my study. My chaps are guarding the exits and this is a safe house. She looks at me. She has been crying. She says “ I cannot take this anymore. I can’t live like this. This is no way to bring up a child”. “Child?” I ask in bewilderment. “Yes” she says as a we both look at each other in quiet understanding. She leaves. Nobody hears of her for several years. I spend countless evenings as I go over those happy times in my head.
I am the overlord of the underworld now and everything is at the tip of my fingers. I can change the destinies of nations if I choose to. Yet happiness eludes me as I pine away for her. Then one day I receive a letter. It just says “Don’t worry”. Then a few days later another letter comes with just the words “Still Yours”….I smile.
I look up and I see a 400 pound man struggling to walk on the treadmill. He looks like he is going to die. The treadmill looks like it is going to expire too. The man waves to me as I wave back and smile. Life is good.....I am only 167 pounds…….my hour as a lab rat is over……but hell will those pants ever fall off!!!!! Damn!
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