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| March 07, 2005
, 4:58 PM |
Hum ek. Hamare Do.
(This post has nothing to do with the male anatomy)
Right now I am bored enough, to crave for a split personality for company. I was just thinking how it would be if there were more of me. After considerable thought I have come to the conclusion that three personalities is the correct number one should have in order to be happy. There seem to be numerous singular characteristics each of these personalities can represent but let’s take a few scenarios to see what I mean by three personalities is the ideal number :
Scenario 1 : Three of me
Rahul 1 – The chap who is me.
Rahul 2 – The chap who is emotionally unstable. Completely devoid of any confidence. He checks his mail 17 times a day in the hope his friends have written. Has a whiny personality and falls in love with every second girl.
Rahul 3 – The chap who thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced salami. Talks like he knows all and usually walks with a swagger and keeps stroking his hair. He also has the habit of adjusting his crotch on a regular basis to give the impression of what he thinks is a well developed persona. Couldn’t care less about anybody. Loves himself and believes he is the best thing to happen to him. Rarely checks his mail.
Now in this scenario a typical conversation among myself would run like this :
Rahul 3 : So how are you today dude? Your face seems downcast.
Rahul 2 : Yes I am feeling a bit blue today. My girlfriend left me last week and I can’t seem to forget her..
Rahul 1: Poor fellow. What happened?
Rahul 3 : You know I always dump my girlfriends before they can leave me.
Rahul 2: But I was so much in love with this girl Sooprika and then she found this handsome chap and dumped me.
Rahul 3 : Hey I dated Sooprika for a while too but dumped her because she wasn’t good enough in bed. Say did you like sleeping with her.
Rahul 2 : I dunno I couldn’t quite perform. You see I have this little problem. I think I am going impotent. What can I do?! I am thinking of meeting Sadhu maharaj just in case he has a potion or something
Rahul 3 : Pshaw! You and your stupid insecurities. It wasn’t great for me either but that is because the woman didn’t turn me on enough. That is why I dumped her.
Rahul 1 : Has either of you considered you might be in the habit of having too much to drink before sex. I am dating Sooprika now myself and I am very happy…a bit too happy actually.
See what happened : Everyone sees sense. This is a good scenario.
Scenario 2 : Two of me.
Rahul 2: The chap who is emotionally unstable. Completely devoid of any confidence. He checks his mail 17 times a day in the hope his friends have written. Has a whiny personality and falls in love with every second girl.
Rahul 3 – The chap who thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced salami. Talks like he knows all and usually walks with a swagger and keeps stroking his hair. He also has the habit of adjusting his crotch on a regular basis to give the impression of what he thinks is a well developed persona. Couldn’t care less about anybody. Loves himself and believes he is the best thing to happen to him. Rarely checks his mail.
Now in this scenario a typical conversation with each of me could run like this :
Rahul 3 : So how are you today dude? Your face seems downcast (asking purely to make conversation)
Rahul 2: Yes I am feeling a bit blue today. My girlfriend left me last week and I can’t seem to forget her.
Rahul 3 : You have always been a loser (since there is no other audience to inhibit my opinions). I always dump my girlfriends before they can leave me.
Rahul 2 (slightly offended): Sooprika is not just another girl. The problem is with me. My performance in bed is not upto the mark off-late.
Rahul 3: Sooprika. You are crying over Sooprika. She is a lousy lay.
Rahul 2 : She is not a lousy lay and you are a bastard.
Rahul 3 (laughing out loud): Never denied that. I am amazing at being one.
Rahul 2 : Fuck off. I don’t ever want to speak to you.
Rahul 3 (now slightly irate) : Sure have it your way.
…..a few minutes pass…..
Rahul 2 : Hey, I have to go to the loo.
Rahul 3 : Go screw yourself
Rahul 2 : I have to go to the loooooo. Please. please. please.
Rahul 3 : Go screw yourself.
See what happened : It is not a very nice scenario.
Scenario 3 : Let’s take a random number now. Let’s say 5 of me.
Rahul 1 : That chap who is me.
Rahul 2: The chap who is emotionally unstable. Completely devoid of any confidence. He checks his mail 7 times a day in the hope his friends have written. Has a whiny personality and falls in love with every second girl.
Rahul 3 – The chap who thinks he is the greatest thing since sliced salami. Talks like he knows all and usually walks with a swagger and keeps stroking his hair. He also has the habit of adjusting his crotch on a regular basis to give the impression of what he thinks is a well developed persona. Couldn’t care less about anybody. Loves himself and believes he is the best thing to happen to him. Rarely checks his mail.
Rahul 4 : The chap who thinks he knows everything but is not sure of the fact.
Rahul 5 : Normally bewildered. Doesn’t know what anybody is saying half the time because all he does is sit at home. The last time he had a conversation with a woman was when an ugly fat lady asked him for the time and hit him over the head with her handbag because he gave the wrong time. Rahul 5 said “Thank you” like he always does for everything.
A typical conversation among myself would run like this :
Rahul 3 : So how are you today dude? Your face seems downcast (asking purely to make conversation)
Rahul 2 : Yes I am feeling a bit blue last week. My girlfriend left me.
Rahul 1 : Poor Fellow. What happened?
Rahul 3 : You know I always dump my girlfriends before they can leave me. They are quite stupid
Rahul 5 : Women are wonderful!
Rahul 4 : Girls man. I know. Women are the bane of all mankind. Aren’t they?
Rahul 2 : But I thought you said they were wonderful.
Rahul 4 : Eh? What you talking about?
Rahul 5 : Yes he is right. They are wonderful
Rahul 2 : But I didn’t say they are wonderful. (Trying to get back to the topic) Souprika left me today…we have been having problems in bed.
Rahul 5 : I was pointing at that guy.
Rahul 6 : Howdy there?
Rahul 1 : Where the hell did you come from
Rahul 6 : Just passing don’t let me bother you.
Rahul 3 : Sooprika sucks in bed.
Rahul 5 (brightening up) : Really. No kidding. Women do that.
Rahul 2 : How do you know?
Rahul 5 : But I don’t know.
Rahul 4 : Women do that, don’t they?
Rahul 1 : Now everyone listen to me…..
Rahul 2 : Souprika had sex with you?
Rahul 5 : No not me. I haven’t had sex in 5 years.
Rahul 2 (now completely downcast) : But how do you know she sucks in bed?
Rahul 5 : But I don’t know. Does she?
Rahul 1 : No she doesn’t suck in bed. She is quite good.
Rahul 5 : You mean she doesn’t suck but is good?
Rahul 3 : No I meant she sucks.
Rahul 2 : I am having problems I think.
Rahul 3 : Oh! Shove it. You and your stupid problems
Rahul 5 (face very sad) : But I was only asking a simple question
Rahul 1 : You mean to say all of you have slept with Sooprika.
Rahul 4 : I am not sure I might have. She’s the one with the mole on her nose right?
Rahul 1 (Now very irritated and raising his voice) : WHAT THE HELL. ALL OF YOU HAVE GUYS SLEPT WITH HER? SHIT THIS WOMAN DOES GET AROUND.
Rahul 5 : But I didn’t.
Rahul 1 (Completely mad now) : YOU DON’T COUNT.
Rahul 5 : But I can…1, 2, 3, 4……
Rahul 6 : But I said I was just passing.
Rahul 1 : OH! SHUT UP ALL OF YOU!. I need to think.
Just imagine the confusion. 3 is the best combination.
Hence we conclude – the only way to happiness is a well developed middle (no puns intended).
Hey there you go again touting your horn (no puns intended). You are disgusting.
Shut up you two! I apologize dear readers…3 also is a little tough sometimes to manage....but remember - three is the ideal number. Ciao -Rahul 1 |
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March 07, 2005 
